Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
