Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
you made out with another girl for some wings
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
