Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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