But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
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This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
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It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.