my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
