Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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