On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
