This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
