maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
