i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I believe in your delicious
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
