Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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