using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Still dying that you shit outside
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
