Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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