Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
