Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
