worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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