she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
