I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
