apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
