drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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