I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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