So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
