nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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