you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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