I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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