I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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