I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
