so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
