I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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