i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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