Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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