I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
