you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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