I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
