I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
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I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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