i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
