I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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