Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
