i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
