SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
