Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
