Nicole vs. Life
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
