I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
