Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
