FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
