She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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