He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
is that a dick in a sweater?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
