you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
