I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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