Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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