we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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