I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
