If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
