u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
