I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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