Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
