I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
