I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
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I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
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things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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