After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
