last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
